Mess, Stress, Confess

It’s been a while since I’ve written and a lot has happened since my post. I’m not going to bore anyone with ALL of the details, but there are a few things I need to get off my chest and this is the only place I know that I can do that. So, here it goes:

I’ve fallen into another funk. Call it a bout of depression if you want, though I’m not really sure what it is. I just feel kinda blah. Like I’m useless and like, no matter what I do, I’m never going to be good enough for myself, let alone be good enough for others. This happens on occasion, it’s not a constant thing so I know it will pass, but when it happens it just plain sucks.

We recently found out that my husband was accepted to go into the Recruiters Course for the Marines. He had two choices, this or Drill Sergeant, in order to complete something, I believe is called, a B-Bill-it?  Not 100% sure on that. Either way, he chose to be a Recruiter. So come January, he will be leaving for 2 months in order to complete this course and then we will be cut new orders. For those not in the military, that means we are going to be moving again, which is not something I’m very happy about.

Don’t get me wrong, again, I am VERY supportive of my husbands career choice and will do whatever it takes to make things go smoothly for him. HOWEVER, I have always hated moving. The stress of having to pack everything, find a new place, the money all that takes, doing all this with kids and a dog, it’s a lot to handle and, once again, I will be doing it mostly on my own since he will be gone.

Because we will be gone for 3 years, and then because we don’t know where we will end up after that, my husband decided that we are just going to sell the house that we just bought a year ago. I LOVE this house and I don’t want to leave and I don’t know why I allowed myself to get so attached to it the way I did. I KNOW that with the military we are constantly moving, but we both thought we’d end up being here longer that we were. So, now I have to work on getting this house cleaned up to pristine in order to get ready to sell and it makes me really sad. It also makes me very unmotivated because, the moment I start doing all that, it becomes real and I think I’m still in denial.

I hate the fact that my kids are going to be taken away from the first friends they’ve ever had. I hate that my daughter is going to be taken out of school in the middle of the year, and I hate that we literally just got settled into the new place and already have to start thinking about leaving. I also hate that they only give us a few months notice of where we are going. My husband won’t find out where we are going to be until middle of January, so we will only have like 2-3 months to get everything done. Or better yet, will only have 2-3 months. Talk about stress.

Everyone always asks me why I am such a homebody. Why I don’t get out and make friends and be a people. This is why. What’s the point in making friends when you just leave them a few years later with no solid chance of ever seeing them again. The one friend I did make here ended up moving to Okinawa, Japan (Her husband is also a Marine) and by the time they come back, we will be gone. Sure we have the internet and cell phones to stay in touch, but it’s not really the same. This is why I tend to keep to myself. Hurts less when we inevitably leave.

I think the two things I am mostly stressed about is the money part and getting my daughter into another school IMMEDIATELY before the end of the year. The school thing may not seem like a huge deal, but it is to her. She is too smart to be forced to be held back a year, and I don’t want her to have to repeat the 2nd grade just because she had to leave school in March or April. My husband assures me that it should be fine, that it will all work out and we will tackle that bridge when we come to it. But it’s hard not to worry about something that has to do with your child.

Now for the money portion. We are not hurting. We are not broke. We live comfortably and have everything we need. However, moving, especially if it’s a cross country move, costs a ton of money. Moving here to North Carolina from California was a nightmare on that front. Getting our dog shipped out here costs almost 3 grand alone, because she couldn’t fly with us and had to be shipped through a company, and getting my car shipped out here was another 2 grand. Then there was the hotel costs while we waited to get into our place, the food, the rental car, the gas for the rental car, essentials that we ran out of but needed. The military only reimburses us for so much and we ended up really hurting for a while after that. Not to mention Christmas is coming up! UGH!!!!!

Of course, I know we will get through it, we always do, but the stress is real and it’s driving me insane. You would think that knowing I have to do all of this would help to motivate me to move and start working on it, but in reality, I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. Or scream. Screaming works too.

Wow. This thing ended up longer than I planned on. Guess I had a lot to say. Until next time!

**Blondie

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